We are human beings. We are brilliant, superior adaptive creatures who
have roamed about the planet for a good long time; eating, drinking and
evolving to the point where we have become our dog’s technology.
You knew that, right?
Whereas we human beings push buttons to get things done, dogs have
evolved exponentially. They are so clever now that they simply have to
look at us (woefully inferior creatures that we are) with great brown
liquid eyes and we’ll give them a piece of our toast. They will wander
idly into the kitchen and start rolling their water bowl about the
floor and we will rush to fill it. You cannot mention any of the
following words: walk, perambulation, stroll, outing, leash, play or
poobleducks, in any normal conversation (on the phone or in person)
when a dog is about or you will be immediately attacked with outrageous
licks and overwrought canine enthusiasm. This activity will inevitably
lead to you miserably crawling out into the dark wild windy driving
rain with a leash and dog attached because that’s the way the dog wants
it. And if that is the way the dog wants it, then that is what it will
receive.
Dogs have that kind of power, for they are superior in every way to us.
We, utter human fools that we are, have just not realized how
dreadfully evolved dogs are becoming. You bring them home in a little
crate and spend weeks spreading papers about and coaxing them to sit
and shake a paw. In such undignified little shows of talent, they will
inevitably humor you… for a while… at least until they’re about six
months old. Even as you take them to puppy school, they’re carefully
watching all the tricks and techniques of how to train your human as
they pretend to fetch their blankets and heel promptly. It is usually
during this time they begin a slow subtle indoctrination period where
you, human being, are programmed appropriately for their needs. This is
because they are talking to other dogs in the class when you think
they’re just snorting and snuffling and whining. It’s code for
dogspeak.
At first you could sleep in on the weekend, with the dog curled up
snoring outrageously at your feet, but then the dog begins to want out…
earlier and earlier. Soon you are up at 5:00 every morning claiming
you’re a morning lark. But we know you’re not. It’s the dog. Eventually
you rush home from work claiming you love being at home. But we know
it’s because you need to feed the dog. Sometimes you feed the dog and
it just looks at you. It’s not hungry right now but maybe it will be
later. It’s been planning for the future. They are indeed that cunning.
Then it will put its paw on your lap while you are trying to eat
because it’s not just your food anymore. It’s the dog’s food and you
just happened to have prepared it. Soon you find you’re watching
Tele-tubbies because the dog likes it better than CNN. The dog of
course gets the couch.
If you are owned by a highly intelligent dog and become well trained, the
dog will go with you when you go shopping. The dog will usually claim
the front seat. Eventually you find yourself shopping at pet stores
more and more because you can bring the dog there. You will buy the dog
things because that is what it has programmed you to do. You can’t help
it. It’s the dog. You thought picking up doggie doo on the railway
track was a municipal by-law but it’s not. It’s the dog. It’s a
conspiracy. Dogs want it this way. It makes them feel superior. We are
the dog’s technology. Stop the dog!
1 Comment
No posts
alright, maybe that wasn't the best choice of songs but its the blues