(originally published 2010)
Here in the hallowed hills the Valentine’s Day snowstorm wafted winter
into the backyard. As I stood there looking out the window a bright red
cardinal landed on the deck rail into a drift of snow; a drop of wine
on a soft white linen sleeve. It fluttered to the birdfeeder in regal
red to watch the whitewashed distant river before it finally settled
into the heap of birdseed. It was a gift of innocence. That’s when I
thought, why am I failing in my most important mission in life? Why oh
Why? Why won’t these darn scientists take up needlepoint and leave the
world alone? Within 10 years that cardinal at my feeder will have a
barcode. Be still my heart. I tell no lie.
So then I thought, maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe instead
of trying to get all the scientists to change at once I could start
with maybe one at a time. So I decided to track down Dr. Paul Hebert of
the University of Guelph. According to a story by Allison Jones of the
Canadian Press, Dr. Hebert is working on this hand held device so that
using DNA fingerprints “any person equipped with a bar-coder can walk
through the forest and identify the life around them.” So I sent an
e-mail to Dr. Hebert with my list of questions and although he seems
like a very nice man indeed he was far far too busy, he concluded, to
respond. Now I figure this is because he, unlike me, has a life or
else… yes… that must be it! There’s a conspiracy going on and I hit on
a very very important point in my quest for the truth that “they” don’t
want us to know. I wonder what it is…
Now it couldn’t have been the first question I asked “If you had five
hamsters and they could all sing the Hallelujah choir but one of them
sang out of tune, what would you do?” I know it wasn’t that question
because I ask all the experts this one right off the bat so I can get
the “lay of the land” so to speak and figure out which of the two types
of people in the world I’m dealing with.
Maybe it was my next question “How are you going to get those barcode
tag things on the wee little Gatineau Tadpole snail?”, but that’s just
an engineering question. Asking that question wasn’t very fair because
if I really wanted to find out the truth I’d have to wander off to find
an engineer. The thing about that is I’m trying to persuade engineers
to take up macramé and I’ve met with a great deal of resistance so I’m
too annoyed right now to talk to any of them. You’d think they
appreciate that things constructed out of twine are as valuable to
society as concrete and steel, but no… However, I digress…
It must be one of the last two questions. “How,” I asked, “will you
prevent the much-hated great-fanged tufted viper snake of Larrimac from
figuring out how to do identity theft and wandering about in the woods
pretending to be a chipmunk?” I figure this is the question that must
have scared Dr. Hebert off. These scientists never think about the
consequences of their actions. There you are in the woods with your
handheld device thinking that the animal coming hell-bent-for-election
towards you is actually a long-tailed green toad when it’s actually a
black bear in heat… Not a pretty picture. But still, this doesn’t much
seem like a conspiracy so much as a criminality so the truth “must” be
hidden somewhere in my last question.
“Will this device” I asked, “be useful to people going out to singles
bars by allowing them to separate the Neanderthals from actual Homo
sapiens?” Of course! This is it! And the real reason why they called it
a “bar code” in the first place! It’s a Neanderthal conspiracy! What
are we going to do? More importantly however, if someone points this
DNA barcode thing at me, are they going to know I’ve inherited the gene
my Aunt Katherine has that means I’ve a strange compulsion to crochet
placemats out of plastic bread bags? Oh the shame! How can I hide my
DNA? Help! Help!
https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/food-nutrition/international-activities/codex-alimentarius.html
great! 2010? i wish i was reading you then. thx